Saturday, April 22, 2006

Expectation Kills

This one nevaah fails to bring a crooked smile to my face... in agreement & disappointment:

"The only man who behaved sensibly was my tailor; he took my measurement anew every time he saw me, while all the rest went on with their old measurements and expected them to fit me." ~ George Bernard Shaw

There are times when you are trying to concentrate on something and trying to get things done, in the desired manner... but you fail. Can't meet your own expectations and can't manage your reaction to the disappointment. Other times when you feel you've done nothing wrong, no harm; somehow the people around you get you wrong. This happens even though your conscience is clear, pure. This seems to occur when your perception of events doesn't match theirs.

He doesnt like the way you talk, too arrogant. He thinks you are trying to hide stuff, revealing partially. She thinks you are nasty, can't stand you. Your audacity sounds rude, your jokes satirical, your knowledge unwanted, your behavior undesirable. They like pin-pointing the bad, but miss out on the good. They expect you to be perfect!

Don't expect, expectation kills. Don't judge the things/situations as you see it, only through your own eyes. Sometimes place yourself in their shoes, and you'll know why it had to be that way. Try a different perspective this time! When you're looking for a friend don't look for perfection, just look for friendship. How I wish sometimes, that they just take me as I'am. Though correcting your mistakes and helping you improve is one important thing for sure. But not always you or they maybe right, so giving benefit-of-doubt renders itself to be the best solution. A second chance, a different vista could make life better, easier and happier. What say?

"It's now expected of me that I will defy expectation, so I really generally seem to be free to write what I want." ~ Jonathan Lethem


Blogger Swaminathans said...

Good article overall. Some of the points which you could have mentioned are:
1)Let people continue expecting from you, let them critise you for not doing what they wanted you to do. Inspite of that, just keep on going good to them.
2)Don't care about what they think is right or wrong. Just continue being genuinely wise. Don't even expect to think that people will praise the good things you did. Just keep on doing good and be that wise friend always (which I am sure you are !)
3)A time will come when they will stop expecting from you and realise that all that matters is how much you love each other, whether you are office colleagues/friends/roomies.

This may sound a little hard to accept Sal, but it works. Think over it.

6:27 AM, April 23, 2006  
Blogger purvins said...

In my opinion,
friendship grows only if you figure out what to expect and what not from your friend. Everone has his/her opinion on everything, but in friendship one needs to understand, how the other person is and if you can accept his qualities and live along with the qualites you found out, friendship shall grow.
On the contary there's no fun dragging a friendship if you feel you can't withstand the qualites discovered in other peroson. That's a short-term arrangement you are making with yourself and naming it as friendship which shall be broken sometime or other and you shall feel bad about it!!

10:01 AM, April 23, 2006  
Blogger SOO-BEER said...

I agree that expectations kill ... but its not possible to stop expecting. Whenever your expectation about someone is not met, try to understand that this is because perhaps the circumstances for that friend have now changed and he is a little different now, than what you knew him some time ago. And thats alrite ! Give him the benefit of doubt rather than judging him ... like u said in the post ... put urself in his shoes .. see it from his eyes

Times change, situations change and people definitely change ... and so ur expectations should also change accordingly. How can you expect ur expectations to be met if u dont change them with so many changes around?

So the best way is to change ur expectations with time ... I know that it feels a little bad to lower ur expectations with friends and others, but thats one way of not getting urself hurt later because "ur expectations were not met" !

11:08 AM, April 23, 2006  
Blogger Praveer said...


11:16 AM, April 23, 2006  
Blogger SAL said...

@Swaminathans: Agree with each one of those points. Have subtly & indirectly implied those too. It sure is difficult, but not impossible!
Advice taken...

@purvins: Wasnt only talking abt friendship here, its every relationship where these factors count. Wat u said holds true for all...

@soo-beer: Yup, it wud b healthy if expectations change with time... but its very human to still expect, but trying doesnt harm. "Let go", "benefit-of-doubt" & "Adaptability" seem to b the best solns.

@praveer: Thanx for acknowledging ;)

6:06 PM, April 23, 2006  
Blogger Vivek said...

giving the benifit-of-doubt only happens after someone fails your expectation .. I think its impossible to not expect but I do agree with your theory of trying the benifit of doubt approach before jumping to conclusions

12:21 AM, April 24, 2006  
Blogger Chintan said...

agree with soo-beer's thoughts.
It is human tendency to expect from ppl you know (if you ponder over it more, you will realize one even has some basic expectations from strangers!!). So there is no avoiding expectations. Even "friendship" is an expectation (u expect your fiend to say "hi" if they meet you on the street, right?). "Understanding" in a relationship is also an expectation. Ability to cope with expectations can lead to successful relationships.

One can recover if he/she fails to meet other ppl's expectations, but failing to meet your own expectations will stick to you for the rest of your life.

A good bumper sticker on expectations: "when everything else fails, lower your standards"

7:34 AM, April 26, 2006  
Blogger Joy Ghosh said...

nice post. very relavant. one comment to what soo-beer said... in one line (last para) he mentioned "change ur expectations with time".. and then followed it up with "it feels a little bad to lower ur expectations"..

well does "change" have to be on a vertical scale? and even if it is... is it necessarily with a negative hint (lower, and not higher)? If you do feel that way, then you are not truly changing your expectations after all. You are just willing to accept (and unhappily if I may add) someone's shortcomings as perceived by you. On the other hand, if you really adapt your expectations, those shortcomings would not appear short anyway now would they?

In my opinion, changing with circumstances, yourself and your expectations is more on a horizontal plane.. where you just move from one point to another.. and perceptions (defined by innumerable parameters) just get shifted. And once more everything falls undser the domain of "normal and expected".

So the nice thing about this post and all the comments is that it summarizes just one thing: being flexible and being able to adapt your expectations is almost equivalent to having no (hard and strict) expectations at all. So whether you feel you cant be without expectations but are willing to adapt as necessary, or you feel that you should not live on with a fixed set of expectations, your views are all on the same page (and I am not refering to this post's page itself ;) )

10:04 AM, April 30, 2006  
Blogger SAL said...

@Vivek: As I told soo-beer also, "Let go", "benefit-of-doubt" & "Adaptability" seem to b the best solns. These will keep u & the opposite together, forever!

@Chintan: One shudn't give oneself a chance to fail to meet their own expectations. Liked this a lot "when everything else fails, lower your standards" :)

@joy ghosh: Thats a gr8 thot, change along the horizontal plane with time :) But, be it horizontal/vertical axes... the key is, we have adapt to changes and not expect things to be same, ur way.

10:53 PM, April 30, 2006  
Anonymous Shubh said...

Whoa!!! This is my favorite topic. "Relationship". First of all nice little few paragraphs covering real aspect of relationship. IMHO I would say for any relationship to be at par following 5 things are necessary and sufficient
1. Free your heart from hatred
2. Free your mind from worries
3. Live simply
4. Give more
5. Expect less

I consider last 2 points to be indispensable in any/all circumstances. As human tendency giggles everytime in all of us we would come with a question "What is limit of more?" "What is limit of less?". Fact would be Abstract things doesnt have confined boundaries for definition and later as humans cant deal with indefinite subjects, it is defined for oneself only through his own perception :).

I might go on and on for this :D.
Above that well thot and written

7:38 PM, May 30, 2006  
Blogger SAL said...

@shubh: Yup, completely concur on the 5 essences of life.

9:50 PM, May 31, 2006  

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